Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
