The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
