In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
