Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I stole a fireplace last night.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
