Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
