drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
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