cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
where are you?
Hypothermia
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
