Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
