go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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