I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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