So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
