Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
