Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When did angry sex become our thing?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!