i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
false alarm. still invincible.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
