Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
