i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.