first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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