I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
