omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
