You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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