I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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