u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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