I hate all girls vehemently.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
