im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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