i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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