girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
