Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
