i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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