Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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