You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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