It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Randomize
