saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
