Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
