mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
