Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
