My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
