I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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