I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
