I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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