So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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