Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
