Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
