Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
