Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
