I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
