I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
