I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
