i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Randomize
