I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
