omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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