***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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