So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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