I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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