You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm both gender and math confused
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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