Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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