Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
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