I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
