Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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