That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
