I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
