Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
